Girl Bullies: What it Looks Like in Today’s World, and the Power of Therapy

I truly believe that every female on this planet, or, at least in America (I can’t really speak for women in other countries) has felt bullied in her life. Men may also feel this way. But, for this blog, I’m focusing on women.

My worst bullying experience was in 5th grade. For reasons I still don’t understand, all my friends dropped me. Every. Single. One. So much so, that not a single person came to my 5th-grade birthday party. The real kicker was the day when my mom had had enough — she stormed into my 5th-grade classroom and demanded to speak to my teacher (those were certainly different times, ya’ll). Thankfully, the storm blew over by 6th grade when my main tormentor (Becky K) moved away.

I have three girls—two in middle school and one in elementary school. From the day my oldest was born, I knew raising girls in today’s often confusing digital age would be a challenge. And it has.

I’ve thought about writing this blog for a while now because it is so personal. What does bullying with girls look like? What are the more technical definitions experts use, and how do they suggest parents help? What does it mean to be a bully? Lastly, how does therapy aid girls in navigating these social situations?

First, let’s touch on the technical terms.

Relational Bullying: A Definition

Most people are familiar with the term “mean girls,” especially because of the hit movies/Broadway show by Tina Fey. The technical term(s) for this type of behavior is “relational bullying” or “relational aggression,” which are essentially the same thing. This form of bullying can include these tactics:

• Outcasting

• Exclusion

• Forming cliques

• Spreading rumors

• Backstabbing

• Making nasty comments

• Sharing secrets

• Gossiping

• Cyberbullying

• Recruiting others

So what do you do when it happens? Here is a list of 10 suggestions.

10 Things to do When Your Daughter is Bullied

1. Don’t Overreact: Admittedly, this is a tough one. Any injustice to anyone’s child can send parents easily into a tailspin. Plus, for many, women in particular, this triggers similar traumas they faced as children. For me, it was 5th grade (I’m talking about you, Becky K). Of course, this isn’t the best reaction for your child. Keeping calm and helping them work through it with a level head is more beneficial.

2. Show Support: Sometimes, this means just listening. Other times, it might make sense to ask how they wish to handle the situation. Role playing a scenario can also help them better navigate future interactions.

3. Accept Anger: Assure your daughter that she has every right to be angry. Let her voice her sense of betrayal or sadness. But also let her know that she has the right to expect better friends, situations, and experiences. Remind her that she is valuable and help her find tools to cope using her own courage and resilience.

4. Help Them Discover New Options: Remind your daughter that there are many other girls out there that would make wonderful friends. Whether school friends or those made through sports or other activities, surrounding themselves with those who make them feel safe and included is optimum.

5. Talk to the School: Admittedly, most kids would rather you didn’t involve the school. If things get bad enough, sometimes calling in the authorities is your best — or only — option.

6. Talk to the Parents: Of course, this is very case-specific. But I’ve had moms, women I consider real friends, verbalize their hope that I would inform them of their daughter’s actions. In this case, it’s worked out fine.

7. Accept Your Own Anger: Someone once told me that I’ll be angrier much longer than my children when bullying arises; and it’s true. Accept your anger, but channel it in helping them cope.

8. Be Patient: These situations, while finding a way of working themselves out, take time. You can’t control it, including neither how long the issue lasts nor how it is resolved. Be patient with yourself and your daughter.

9. Understand the Physical Reasons: While it may not make sense to your daughter, as an adult, reminding yourself that these young individuals' brains are still developing is important. Sometimes, they make stupid, hurtful decisions that have nothing to do with your daughter.

10. Help Them Understand Bullying: Interestingly, researchers are gaining momentum in identifying just WHY girls bully, and how to help them stop. Perhaps this can also be used as a coping tactic.

This tenth tip — why girls bully — really piqued my interest, so I thought to investigate it further.

Why Girls Bully

Turning the concept of bullying on its head makes sense. Bullies nearly always follow similar traits: they aren’t perhaps very smart. They have their own insecurities. Their home life isn’t the best. They have self-doubt.

According to WebMD, “In the short term, girl bullies often are rejected by peers and lack meaningful relationships,” notes Charisse Nixon, Ph.D., co-author of Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying, and an assistant professor of developmental psychology at Pennsylvania State University.

Nixon continued, “Some characteristics of a girl bully are jealousy, feelings of superiority, poor impulse control, and lack of empathy. Girls bully when their basic needs of ‘ABC’s, and me’ —  acceptance (by self), belonging (among others), control, and meaningful existence — are thwarted.”

In the long term, "these girls learn to manipulate people like chess pieces," Nixon says. "Unfortunately, this can harm their ability to have meaningful relationships and successful careers."

So, with all this in mind, perhaps the biggest takeaway to help these girls cope is to help them seek therapy.

Why Children — Girls in Particular — Need Therapy

I greatly respect a former colleague who, after working as a reporter for the Chicago Tribune and as a corporate content writer, has made the decision to study for a master’s degree in child therapy. When I approached her about her thoughts on this blog, these were her comments:

“Therapy during adolescence — whether you have an anxiety or depression diagnosis or are just feeling the normal pressures of learning who you are — can be a huge asset for young people in learning to navigate their emotions for the long-term. I've found it to be extremely helpful for all of my kids (boys included) and it's part of why I'm pursuing this degree.”

Specifically, therapy can help children in the following ways, according to this study:

1. Learning Self Expression: Children typically struggle to express themselves well verbally and emotionally. Therapy helps them open up and express their feelings more assertively.

2. Increases Self–Esteem and Self–Acceptance: In therapy, a child becomes better at communicating, which helps boost their confidence and self-esteem to foster better self–acceptance.

3. Helps Build a Safe Network: Children need a safe space to talk about life’s problems and stressors. Therapy helps them foster a network of trusted people to express and explore feelings. 

4. Eliminates Problems Without Force or Pressure: Often, it becomes difficult for parents to decipher the reason behind a child’s behavioral change or poor school performance. Therapy helps eliminate these problems.

5. Leads to Healthier Social and Emotional Development: Therapy can help children determine the causes of their emotional or behavioral upsets. They can also help the parents learn how to interact with them to create healthy development.

6. Builds Resilience: Therapy can help children develop increased resiliency and social and emotional well-being to carry with them throughout life.

7. Increases Problem Solving: Counseling teaches kids to develop a ‘toolbox’ of coping skills to apply to life situations and problems, like bullying.

8. Prioritizes Mental Health: Children should prioritize their mental health from a very young age. Instead of creating a stigma about seeking therapy, they’ll encourage others as well to prioritize mental health.

9. Cultivates Empathy and Respect for Others: Empathy is something that can’t be taught, but needs to be learned. Therapy helps a child respect others and cultivate empathy.

Perhaps the best advice I’ve received that I tend to repeat as a mantra: they will be okay. With help, love, advice, patience — and perhaps therapy — they will be okay.

Oh, and more thing — the reason my 5th-grade bully moved away? Her parents got divorced and they were forced to move. So, the adult me fully acknowldeges that I was just perhaps collateral damage to what she was experiencing at home. As I said, most times, bullying has nothing to do with the person being bullied.

For more help, another useful website is stopbullying.gov/kids.